Crooked Pigtails

Posting

There are several reasons my posting to this blog has been so infrequent.  Life is busy.  I'm tired.  I'm driving the girls to school or home from soccer practice.  Homework.  I'm watching Glee.  I'm breaking up cat fights.  I'm bloated.  I'm just lazy when it comes to maintaining this space.  But, the largest reason posting here is so infrequent is that I am struggling with my girls privacy. 

It was simple to tell the stories I wanted to document when they were really little but, as they grow, so does their need for privacy, and I am struggling to balance wanting to tell a story, to preserve a memory, and understanding that they are not my stories to share, not only my memories to preserve.

This is especially true for Harper.  At twelve years old, she is filled with angst and hormones and the humiliation that she has parents.  She is still Daddy's girl, but she wouldn't be caught dead kissing him goodbye when he drops her off at school in the morning.  She needs me as much now as she has ever needed me, but I am supposed to fade into the background of her public life.  The very fact that we are proud of her is totally embarrassing.

Harper is my mini-me which tells me I am in for a ride.  A ride, I will figure out how to respectfully document.

GRRRRRR

I just spent more than an hour writing a post about balance and my lack thereof (in life, I mean, because physically I have freakishly great balance.  You should see me in a yoga class) and then I hit publish and typepad ate the post and now I am going to go and cry and pull some hair out of my head because that is less expensive than throwing my laptop across the room.

Perhaps, I will attempt to recreate that post tomorrow.

Suckage

A couple of months ago, when we learned Steve's sister was being forced to find new homes for her two cats because her living situataion was in flux, it made perfect sense to us to offer to take them for her on a "temporary" basis until she is able to find a new living situation in which she can be reunited with them.  Fully understanding that temporary held the possibilty of forever, we could not imagine having to give up any of our pets, our hearts went out to her, and so, completely unsolicited, we told her we would be happy to add her "babies" to our family.  We had minor reservations, of course, but they were trumped, one by one, by the feeling we were doing the right thing.

It was a win/win.  She was relieved and we were heros.

Steve and Harper drove to New Jersey the last weekend in March, approximately four days after we made the offer to home the cats, to help his sister pack up her apartment.  Ricky and Lucy, the two blackest black cats I have ever seen, came home with them and, just like that, we were a four cat (two dog) household.  Peace and harmony abounds.  That was seven weeks ago.

A brief, horribly incomplete synopsis:

Seven weeks ago:  Ricky and Lucy spent most of the first week in the basement.  In part because we were attempting to introduce them slowly into the family, but also because they were not enjoying the transition and found great places to hide down there.  We found them every day and held them; they were friendly with us, but didn't trust us, and ran to rehide as soon as we put them down.

Six weeks ago:  Ricky continued to hide in the basement, but Lucy would come upstairs and hide behind the couch.  Our dogs completely ignored her.  Our cats hissed when they saw her, but basically ignored her as well.

Five weeks ago:  Both cats came upstairs in the evening after the girls went to bed and things had quieted.  Much hissing ensued.

Four weeks ago:  Ricky and Daisy have their first actual cat fight.  This takes place at approximately two in the morning just outside the bedroom doors, and scares the ever loving shit out of the entire family.  Ricky begins to sleep on Addison's bed.  Lucy is slowly adjusting.  Steve's sister visits and spends the entire weekend doting on the cats who stay in her room with her.  I share my concerns with her and she admits that Ricky has always been a bit of an asshole (my word, not hers).

Three weeks ago:  Ricky and Daisy are separated and we I spend ridiculous amounts of time exposing them to one another's bedding, crating them side by side, and every other tactic I read on the internet.  Josie begins to wail randomly and constantly.  I begin to share Josie's anxiety.  Ricky begins to spray.

Two weeks ago:  All cats are separated at night.  Ricky escapes and attacks Daisy on my bed.  Three times.  I pretty much stop sleeping at night in anticipation of the moaning and hissing and fighting. 

This week:  Ricky continues to spray in the house and to attack Daisy.  He has revved it up a notch and is now actively hunting her any time he is not segregated.  We have concluded that we can't keep him.

That the cats would actually fight had not occurred to us.  We knew they may not love one another immediately, but we assumed they would tolerate one another after a transition period.  Hissing we can handle.  If they wanted to hiss at one another every single time they come in contact for the rest of their lives, we could handle that, but fighting is a different story.  It has become a safety issue, not only for the cats, but for our family.  We can't take the chance that he will attack when one of our cats is on one of the girl's beds, or that one of the girls will attempt to break up a cat fight. 

And then there is the spraying.

Steve has attempted to call his sister two nights in a row, but she hasn't been home.  I've been researching no kill shelters here in CT, but ultimately she is going to have to make the call.  The thing is he is actually a very sweet cat one on one, and I, truly, believe if he were in a one cat household he would make a great companion. 

The entire situation breaks my heart.  Steve feels horrible because he doesn't want to disappoint is sister.  I feel horrible for him and for her and for the cat and for my kids because they are going to be disappointed...

Sometimes being a hero sucks.

 

 

April Was

April blew by in a gust of wind, warm sun, and typical chaos.  We celebrated the summer-like weather by riding bikes and changing over our wardrobes.  Easter came and went with Addison maintaining her bunny belief; we hid eggs, ate ham, enjoyed family.  We aquired two new family members: a pair of terrified felines my sister-in-law was desperate to rehome, not for lack of loving them half to death, but because her living situation has changed unexpectedly.  We are working on integrating them into our family.  It has been a challenge.  Lacrosse and soccer seasons started and are in full swing.  My mother was here for a visit and we spent all day, every day, running around like a couple of fools shopping and giggling and drinking too much coffee.  My sweet and spunky nephew turned two whole years old although, he told me he was four.  Let's stick with two, Little Man, I'm already losing months, I can't handle losing years.

April was scalloped potoatos and lemon merange pie, black cats and ocean waves.  It was wind chimes and kitchen stores, Hoarhound hard candy and sewing machines.  April was birthday cake and laughter, lacrosse goals and fairy gardens.  April was.

Yes, April was.  

Occupying my mind today:

1. The wind.  It is windy out there.  Really windy.  Extremely, very windy.
2. The basketball backboard hoop thingy.  Because it tends to fall down into the driveway when it is windy, and today is a very extremely windy day.
3. Sewing machines.
4. How, exactly, I am going to coordinate getting two kids to two different lacrosse practices and games, two different soccer practices and games, and track and field meets this spring.
5. Where are all the matches to the socks?
6. The menu for Easter weekend.
7. My house is drafty.
8. The hole in my husband's eyeball.
9. The dogs need to be groomed.
10. The pros and cons of traveling to New York for Spring break.
11. I need to run to Target for deodorant and a 9 year old girl's birthday present.
12. Laundry.
13. Whatever that is growing the the crisper of my refrigerator.
14. When is this wind going to stop?

 

Today

Went to the gym.

Walked on the treadmill.

Noticed everyone else at the gym weighed approximately 80 pounds less than me.

Ran on the treadmill.

Came home.

Cried.

A picture is worth a thousand words

My three year old niece and twenty month old nephew stayed with us last week while my sister and brother-in-law attended a conference (or some other work related thingy) in NYC.  Despite sharing strep throat back and forth and sideways, our children are very good at sharing, we managed to function quite nicely as a pretend family of six once again.

The cousins could hardly get enough of one another.  They played hide and seek, and read books, and drew pictures.  They cuddled, and threw the frisbee for the dogs to chase, and rolled a ball back and forth across the living room.

For dinner one night we made our own pizzas. 

First we added sauce.

Drew was very serious.

Then we added cheese and toppings.

Everyone enjoyed their own creation for dinner.  Ainsley ate the whole thing!

My girls had to go to school, so I took the littles to the Children's Museum where we: predicted the weather, operated our own restaurant, built shelters, ran a fish market, played with magnets, hair dryers, and ping pong balls, dug in dirt, rode a zip line and basically ran around touching everything we could get our into our hands.

Then Auntie Shusan took a nap.

Three ways I have failed this four day week

1.  I missed my yearly physical on Tuesday because I thought it was Monday.

2.  I missed my rescheduled yearly physical on Thursday because I was still behind.

3.  I forgot to send Addie's homework packet to school on Thursday, and her permission slip to stay after school for a Brownie meeting today, because I still can not wrap my head around what day of the week we are currently enjoying.

Thankfully, it is the weekend.  Hopefully, I can reset my inner calendar.

2011 Recap

 Borrowed from Linda over at All and Sundry.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?  Participated in a handfasting ceremony, waxed my upper lip, wrote the first draft of a book I am excited to edit, took over the family finances, spent a week in a tent, regulated my medications, saw my girls turn eight and twelve.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I didn't have any resolutions per se, but about this time last year, I announced on facebook my desire to stop sweating the less significant things in life, and I did that with varying degrees of success throughout the year.

I am not a resolution kind of gal, so I will not be making any formal resolutions this year, either.  I do however, have two goals for 2012: I am going to run a 5K, and I am going to live a more healthy lifestyle.  Specifically, eating better and incorporating some exercise into my schedule.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Jessie had baby Brooklyn in September

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Francine lost her mother this fall after a long battle.

 5. What countries did you visit? None

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Balance, patience with my children, a book deal.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  June 11th because the handfasting ceremony was one of the most beautiful events I have ever had the honor of participating in.

 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting out of bed.

9. What was your biggest failure?  Not trusting myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?  Thankfully, no, but I did have a pretty severe (covered in hives) allergic reaction to a medication I was taking.

 11. What was the best thing you bought?  Gas for family trips, a State park pass, tickets to see Wicked, and comortable shoes.

 12. Where did most of your money go?  the morgatge, car payments, doctor co-pays, food

 13. What did you get really excited about?  Believe it or not, running.  Watching my girls grow into runners.  I got teary everytime they crossed a finish line and I am getting excited about joining them this year.  I think this could be a family event.

 14. What song will always remind you of 2011?  For Good from Wicked

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder?  Happier.  Much.
– thinner or fatter?    About the same, I think.
– richer or poorer?    Poorer.  For sure.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?  I wish I had written more, played with my children more, listened to the girls more, taken more photos, trusted myself.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying, procrastinating, doubting.

18. How did you spend Christmas?  In New York, surrounded by family, noise, laughter and love.

19. What was your favorite TV program?  Modern Family, Big Bang Theory, Parenthood and Californication.  I'm trying to hang on to Glee, but it's getting difficult.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?  Good Lord, how am I supposed to remember the books I read?  A couple of  favorites: Faith,  The Immortal Life of Hennrietta Lacks 

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
ADELE, and the soundtrack from Wicked

22. What were your favorite films of the year? The King's Speech, Bridesmaids, The Help

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  We celebrated at home, my mother was here, the kids made a fabulous cake with 44 candles.  The weekend prior, Steve took me to New York City where we had a lovely dinner, walked around Brandt Park and saw Memphis.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Trusting myself.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?  If it is comfortable, wear it.

26. What kept you sane?  Steve, my kids, laughter, and antidepressants.  Not necessarily in that order.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Don't take yourself too seriously, live your own life, and my kids are smarter than I am.

Sometimes

I know this will come as a shock, but:

Sometimes things around here are more Bunker than Rockwell.

Sometimes my kids are not perfect.

Sometimes they drive me out of my mind with their constant bickering, yelling, and wrestling.

Sometimes my kids are disrespectful.

Sometimes I am disrespectful.

Sometimes I want to come here and vent about how difficult it is to raise girls in a society willing to tell them how inadequate they are even before they have had a chance to see themselves.

Sometimes I struggle with the frustration of trying to teach our girls that material things are not the important things in life while, also, trying to keep my middle schooler in the latest clothing fad because I remember being the only kid in school without Nikes.

Sometimes middle school sucks and middle school girls are mean spirited little people.

Sometimes my kids eat cereal for dinner.  With added sugar.

Sometimes they go to bed without showers.  On school nights.  After staying up too late.

Sometimes they eat store bought cookies.

Sometimes the laundry isn't clean, the dishes aren't done, and the windows aren't washed.

Sometimes I open this page and stare at the blinking cursor trying to come up with the cute thing Addison said or the smart thing Harper did, and I have to just close the page without writing a single word because I just don't have it in me to cheerful.

 And, it's okay. 

Because it is who we are.

I started this blog as a means to document our days for the girls, but I have struggled because I wanted it to be a happy place for them (and for the family reading), but I also want it to be an authentic place.  So, I'm going to be more honest here.  I'm going to write about the struggles sometimes.  I'm going to maintain my girl's privacy, I won't go into too much detail, but I'm going to shove aside the expectations of a cheery, perfect little glimpse of who we are, and I am going to make this a place of balance, which, actually, is much more perfect anyway.

Sometimes.